Women For Dummies
 

 

The Introduction

Episode 1: The Courting Menace

Episode 2: The Attack Of The Date Monsters

Episode 3: Revenge Of The Relationship COMING SOON

Episode 4: No New Hope   COMING SOON

Episode 5: The Woman Strikes Back COMING SOON

Episode 6: The Return Of The Male   COMING SOON

 

Introduction . I was recently told that asking the question "how can we as men, understand women" was pointless and redundant. The person in question said, everything that needs to be understood about women has already been established, and that whatever answers I am trying to seek are equally pointless and only going to waste my time. I replied that the purpose of my questions wasn't to find THE ANSWER per se, but rather listen to opinions from others, both male and female. There was silence from HER end. Was this silence her way of showing that maybe I had a point, was the silence her way of feeling threaten on behalf of the entire female population, was her silence due to the fact that she was trying to think of a response to regain control of the conversation, was she thinking about the price of ham down at the supermarket, We may never know for sure..   But this dear friend is what I'm talking about…   Now a practice case scenario to start us off   "Do you think I look fat in this dress?"  One of the most popular of questions a guy is asked, it has been the subject of many comedians' punch lines and many of men's sources of frustration. It is this question that stands head and shoulders above them all. It is the benchmark of everything we know and what we seek to know about what makes a woman tic. When a woman asks you this there's no doubt about it but buddy you're doomed. If you are smart you will either find a ringing in your ears that allows you not to hear anything, or some other distraction would be in order. Saying "can you smell fire" is a good one, but only works well once, say it twice and she will be starting to smell something of a lie.   Basically if you are stuck, can't get out of it, cornered or up against the wall no matter what you say next it will be nothing but a wrong answer.   If she's asked you this is because she already knows she is fat, she's already spent the last 20mins doing the fat ass shuffle in the full body mirror, she's already spent 10 mins staring at the printed tag size and is in shock that's not as lose fitting as she remembered.  That is why she should NOT be asking this question in the bloody first place.   Are you sure you couldn't smell fire? Are you sure your ears haven't started ringing?   It is the classic scenario of being dammed if you do or damned if you don't. If you lie to her and say she looks fantastic, her ass is nice and skinny she will know it's not the truth and she will not doubt give you that evil eye that women give you and here's the thing, she will not only punish you for not being truthful towards her but get even more upset with the fact that you have obviously noticed the extra kilos and are lying to boot. Either way you can not win. Some can be lucky with that and get out before it gets heated again. Some of us learn from this and never get caught in the crossfire as well. But some of us are just plain stupid and fall for the trick numerous times. It seems some of us men are  lucky enough to have a woman who goes that extra bit for us when that question has been raised. We have those special ladies who will go for the academy award for best performance in a motion picture drama by breaking into tears with such classics as "you don't love me for who I am ", "I bet that young piece down at the office can…." spiel. Be careful, shut up and let her cry it out. Otherwise you will have another can of worms on your plate.   At the end of the day you still love her, and that is what counts. Just make sure neither you nor her buy any new dresses for a while.   So why do women indulge in these silly mind games? Well, for one thing, they're women, who have always been known to think and react with their emotions -- at least more than men do, in general. Yet hopefully with this whole new age guy thing being more and more acceptable and respectable and the fact a lot more of us men aren't afraid to cry now. Then maybe the tables will soon turn or at least, a more level playing field for these mind games.   But until then we need to work on this, with the women, these beautiful creatures, we have to work them out. It's really about them testing us to which it is seems its about who takes the control in a relationship.   The typical guy is usually clueless about the mind games women play. But play them they will, so you'd better be aware of what's going on. Otherwise it could get tricky. Over the next few weeks we will be looking at a few aspects of relationships and as men how we can learn from the women. As we take this journey women are invited to add their two cents and debate what has been said. At the end of the period, we should have a better understanding about how we think of each other and what makes both of us tick.   Surely there are indeed books and essays, and answers to a lot of these questions and scenarios. But that's not what this is about. It is about what us, people we know, people we talk to every day feel about this matter. These are text book examples but real live ones. In some cases, we will get responses that we may never have thought of.   So brace yourself people, you're in for a very bumpy ride.   Next in EPISODE ONE - THE COURTING MENACE

 

ED. Note: This one is a bit rough, Please remember this is not to be taken seriously, the following is written in a satirical tone. If you can't handle it, piss off. Otherwise enjoy and as always keep your comments honest and in the spirit of this whole thing. Also for the nerds, try and pick all the nerdy references contained throughout.           Episode 1- The Courting Menace   Okay, you've got money in your pocket; your pride and confidence are now at all time high. You've finally realised living with your parents or by yourself is now something that is not as trendy as you first thought. You have decided it is time to find someone, a companion, someone to toast marshmallows together, someone to tell you that your cinderblock book shelf has to go, someone who will show you there is more to live on than bake beans on toast, and most importantly, someone to love.   In this day and age a lot has changed in regards to courting the opposite sex. As a matter of fact, even that doesn't have to be an option now. You can court your own sex if that's what floats your boat. Nowadays we have dating agencies and online meeting places, so nerds can actually still play with a computer and still try and find a love life, As the one you thought you had with the naked pictures of Paris Hilton on your desktop just isn't right on so many levels.   It's come a long way since the days of being pressured to hook up with someone your parents wanted you to meet etc. But unhappiness and rejection from the opposite sex still hasn't changed, and most importantly, women really haven't either.   Now before we go any further, remember my CONSPIRACY THEORY NUMBER 1 that I wrote about in a previous blog? NO? …Here allow me to refresh your memory. When you haven't got a girlfriend, and looking for one. There is NEVER one when you want one. But the minute you finally give up. A Second rate, Miss Second Best or even THIRD PLACE PRIZE comes into your life and because you think nothing better will come along, you decide to make it work. The problem is, the minute you commit to this said relationship, All of a sudden all of the possible single women make their presence known. So the dilemma, a) Do you break up with MISS WRONG and take a chance with the other options that have just seem to pop up from no where. or b) Stick with it knowing that you most likely won't be happy for the rest of your life, especially when you know that there's actually others out there that have shown interest in you. Both are wrong people, this is the conspiracy I was talking about: If you take option one, You will soon find out that these women only came on the seen because they could smell the scent of a unhappy man in an unhappy relationship and are only there to tease you and mess with your head. A conspiracy you ask?, well the minute you break up with MISS WRONG you will notice that not one of the single women that showed interest in you before actually want anything to do with you. They were either joking, disappeared or so very quickly are now in a relationship with someone else. With option b) well it kinda explains itself doesn't it.   So with that in mind, You are ready for to find a lady, don't just jump in and find the first girl that smiles at you. Take it easy buddy.   You're going out to a club, a pub, or a fancy singles dating arena. Well I'm not gonna let you make a fool of yourself right away. Thanks to men related websites there are a few things to look out for and keep in mind.     THE CLOTHES CONSPIRACY   In case you've never noticed it, when you go out, most women like to wear surprise, surprise, SEXY CLOTHES, usually very very revealing to boot. Clothes that scream HEY LOOK AT ME. They wear them to attract you, or at least make you notice them. If they didn't, then they would be wearing pink ugg boots and other unsexy Yet COMFORTABLE things right. Think about it, Why would women wear high heels unless they are doing it to look good. They themselves complain about how much they hurt.   Therefore it's only natural that if you find someone of the opposite sex attractive, then obviously your gonna check them out. YET how many women have given men that filthy look and get mad when they do so. "my eyes are up here" is a common saying, yet the other sad notion to this is how many women are seen in public with slogans and funny limericks written across tight t-shirts that you are naturally gonna read. Are you trying to tell me when you see one of those novelty slogans you don't read it, whether it's written between two nipples or not. It's what we are programmed to do. In some countries that would be considered entrapment surely.     FIRST CONTACT You have been lucky enough to get a girl in your sites, the planets have aligned and you have her in your tractor beam. Now it's time to play the game. But be careful, just because she's talking to you, it doesn't mean she's actually interested in you.   Now she may come on to you, maybe even flirt with you and get your heart racing, she may even go as far as even get sexually explicit and suggestive. But the clincher is, she has ABSOULTUTELY NO FREAKIN' INTENTION of going out on a date or getting involved with you. She's either taking the piss out of you, or she's fucking with your head for other reasons (friends maybe). She may indeed want a favour from you. What the professionals say: She wants to get a rise out of you to assure herself that she's still attractive to men. Surprisingly, a lot of attached women play this game. You might be lucky to get a phone number out of her, but she has no intention of dating you, but if she takes your number the chances of her calling you are very slim. This is basically is all about power. It is her way of reassuring herself that she can control men with her sexuality and you are just being manipulated for her own pleasure.   BUT WHAT IF SHE DOES LIKE YOU Obviously like everything, there's always an exception to the rule. There are indeed some special ladies out there, and you might be lucky enough to meet a real nice girl who actually likes you. But unfortunately it still doesn't mean you are out of the mind game. Some women will actually go right out on a date with you and everything is fine. But a very common option is….   She who plays HARD TO GET Okay, she's turned your offer down for a date, yet you are certain she likes you. You keep hitting her up for dates until you feel you might be heading into stalker territory. Maybe the fact that she's not returning your calls might solidify this. But you are so sure she likes you. What is going on...   Well there is a chance that she isn't actually interested in you, hey it happens. But that said, you may actually be right, sometimes you can be certain that she likes you and she does. But you're constantly getting fucked in the head because she refuses to take you up on any of your dates etc.   What the professionals say:  If she does actually like you, then it's another example of a power play. This woman is testing out how keen you are on her, she's testing your limits and basically wanting you to chase her. She wants to find out just how determine or rather how desperate you are to have sex with her. How you play this will have a serious effect on the roles you two have in any potential future relationship. If you get sucked into her world, by playing her game by her rules now, she then knows she can be the one in control of any future relationship and you will be constantly be the one being whipped and the one being controlled.   So the best way is to take a step back, and try and work out a way to bring her around and make the playing field fairer. One is to (painful I know) but play hard to get yourself, and make her find you. It does work (I'm told).   NEXT TIME : EPISODE 2 – THE ATTACK OF THE DATE MONSTERS

 

Episode 2- The Attack Of The Date Monsters So We've Organised a DATE So you've finally been able to get a date, you think its all gravy now right? Wrong. You haven't even gone on the date and the possible mind field of games is about to present itself to you. Thankfully, I haven't personally experienced what they call a BROKEN DATE, but it's common enough that it's up there as a perfect example of a woman's mind game when it comes to dating. Your lady friend, breaks the organised date with you at the absolute last minute and a poor excuse for an excuse usually follows. In some cases some women are skilful enough to turn this around and make it seem like it's your fault that the date collided with whatever unexpectant thing that has caused her to be late.  Another slight variation on this scenario is that notion that she doesn't even show up at the date at all, leaves you at the restaurant table waiting, without a hint of a sorry or an excuse. Once again, it's a relationship power play, she's trying to fish out who's got the balls in the possible relationship and wants to see if you are gonna let her treat you this way by seeing if your willing to run and chase after her. It's basically about how desperate you are to have her in your life and whether you can handle a relationship on her time and with her rules. If you go chasing after her, she knows she has you and you once again, you become her bitch. Where are going on a date, FINALLY. The date is on, you agree to pick her up at 6:30 for the 7.00 dinner at a nice Indian restaurant. You feel if you pick her up there's no excuse for her to be late and besides you will have a better time trying to navigate the date slightly better. But alas, She's late or not ready when you pick her up for the date. Furthermore, This becomes a recurring issue, even when you try and pick her up earlier or make the dinner later to try and compensate this lateness. You see, she's trying to figure out how much she can get away with. Once again she's trying her best to call the shots, rather than compromise and let you have a chance to take the drivers seat. Like in previous scenarios it's all about her testing how interested you are in her and how far you will go to prove it. If she makes you wait for her, it lets her know once and for all that she values her time more than she does your. In all fairness to women, this situation also applies to friends in general as well. If they are always going to make you wait, then they obviously think less of you. Yet a relationship is basically the greatest friendship of all, so there you go so you really do need to see these signs. As Chilli Palmer says in the film Be Cool, "If You're Important, People Will Wait" for you. Well if you are on the other side of that statement and there's a 7.00 dinner appointment, well guess what, both of you will be waiting for another table if you're late, that is, if there's even one available. The Expensive dates Some Women, like some guys I even know, will only go out with you if you make it worth their while. there are some women out there that if you can present yourself as a person with money, or rather a person with some money to spend then you might get their attention. If your pockets are bottomless then you will have her for a long while yet, but if you are just an average Joe with some savings to take advantage of, then your date will be a used by one. There are some girls who will want to live the high life or at least the notion of it and want to go to the most expensive restaurants, the most exclusive clubs, and the hottest plays or concerts. The thing is you are the one expected to pay for it. Yes, we hear all about fairness and equal opportunities for women and everything being done right down the middle. But at the end of the day women usually go quiet when it comes to being pampered or doted upon, especially when it's a fancy restaurant for example. Don't get me wrong, a lot of women would love this, and as a guy it does feel good to put on a nice show for a woman you really like and honestly deserves to be spoilt. As there are some special ladies out there who would actually appreciate the attention and totally understand that what you are doing is a equally special gesture and is not to be expected all the time. But the other women, the users, the ones you should not have taking on an expensive date because you are wasting your time, they know that if you don't fork over the cash, you won't have a prayer of getting her into bed. To make matters worse, she might even do this if she has unequivocally no intention of having sex with you. If you have already showed her that you find her sexually attractive, you may as well give her your credit card, the keys to the car and the papers for the house, as she now knows how to get it all.   No sex please, we're British Now another mind game that is played is what the About men website calls the serial flirt and the no sex please scenario. Firstly you might think you're finally going to get lucky with the woman you've spent close to your life savings on, she's getting you all hot and bothered, but before you know it, she backs off and basically you end up with blue balls and she's either one the couch watching TV or out the door. The only sex that will be happing that night will be sex and the city. This is another example of manipulation and exultation of her sexual power over you, plain and simple. She might also play this game to extract more cash from your wallet, but it also doesn't stop her from flirting with other guys in front of you. Whether it be your best mate who's come over to visit or a nameless fellow at place you two have gone out to, and what you have paid for. What she's doing is testing to see how interested you are and underscoring the fact that she's sexually desirable to other men, so if you want a piece of this, you really have to prove you're worth it.   NEXT TIME : EPISODE 3 – REVENGE OF THE RELATIONSHIP inconsistent wants, Selfish ways & mind reading